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[07 Jun 2006|11:59am] |
things might actually be ok.
i mean, atleast for now, i can hope...
side note: i miss my kristy.
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[04 Jun 2006|05:07am] |
its been a really hard weekend.
today, was hard...
its 5am.
im wired.
i dont feel like sleeping
at the same time, all i wanna do is crawl into a bed
but not to sleep
more so, to hide out
to lay and cry
to be sad
to morn
to think
to ponder
to lie still, and awake
to be safe
to be alive
to be alone
just to be...
mcdonalds breakfast opens in a half hour... anyone wanna go?
church in 4 1/2 hours.
i cant believe im not tired
i ate for the first time today in 3 days.
i cried for the first time today all week
i slept for the first time last night in months.
and in my own bed, not on the couch
im showing a lot of signs of depression
i dont eat
i cry
i dont sleep
i drink
a lot
ive changed friends
missed parties
secluded myself
i just wanna go home
i never wanna go home
but sometimes im happy
sometimes things are just hard
i cant believe im still awake
i talk to ben a lot lately.
i miss him so much
friday night i talked to him for real. no text messages
he was drunk
it was pretty funny
its been over a year since ive seen him drunk
i miss him
he said i love you
its been almost 6 months since hes said i love you
thanks a long time for us
i love him
i cant believe i ever thought i could go without him
im scared
what if were not ment to be
hes gonna come home
then leave again
my hearts gonna break
again
eventually hell be home for good
but were two different people
what if were not meant to be
what if were not the same
i just want him here
now
before he grows too much in a different direction as me
i love him
this is a pretty long entry
its 513
im so not tired
mcdonalds here i come
then i guess i could clean
im to lazy
laundry needs to be done
jen went home for the weekend
i smell like smoke
i need to stop that
i was at mistys tonight with work people
they make me feel older
thay make everything seem ok
i think things might be ok
sometimes, things are just so hard
i heard a quote once
everything will be ok in the end, if its not ok, then its not the end
i really like that.
i think im different
ive changed
im not sure if its good or bad
but i am definitly different
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[03 Jun 2006|12:46am] |
It ain't fair you died to young
Like a story that had just begun
But death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I've been through
Just knowing, no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder, who you'd be today
its just not fair.
RIP KORO
you know the hardest thing is walking into a funeral full of people i mostly dispised, and crying when you see them. the sad part is, no matter how much you hated high school and no matter how much you tried to avoid these people, when it comes down to it, they are the ones who in this situation, you need the most, because they are the only ones who really understand your feelings right now. and even sadder... is having to walk in and hug the little boy who became the class clown in my band class (for student teaching) last year because it is his big sister whom i grew up with that died this week. how can one young boy... 12 or 13 years old... be stronger at this point and time than the rest of us. how can you hug me while i cry and tell me everything is ok when i am saposed to be your example and your mentor. that is one brave little kid. and you know... i think he might be right, it sucks. but everything is going to be ok.
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[28 May 2006|12:51pm] |
so my week MIA so far...
wednesday (since thats when my work schedule starts... thats when my weeks start) class in the am, work 12 - 4, then 4 - 9... out with work people, then out to the club
thursday - class in the am, work 12 - 4, then work 4 - 10, then out with girlies from work after
friday - work 1030 - 4, then work 4 - 9ish... with no air conditioning in the kitchen i might add... then home to shower quickly and visit with my favorite vanessa, then back to work to go out with everyone... which, after a long night of partying and some drunken mcdonalds breakfast at 5am, led to sleeping from about 7 to about 10 am... saturday morning
saturday... up at 10 from a long night and back to work... driving in with everyone else who spent the night together, also decently intoxicated... and worked from 1030 - 5, break, worked from 530 - 1030 (closing server) then closed salad bar - 1030 - 1130.
so its sunday. already i have 40 hours at work. crazy.
today i went to church. another nice pay check.
stopping by to see my grandma and D at the family bbq, then back out to work the closing server shift... who knows, if the salad bar guy really did get fired, then ill probably close that too...
tomorrow i am working a double, then i have movie night like always
tuesday i have my STATISTICS MIDTERM... *dreading*... then working a double again.
so im looking at like, 55 hours this week... oh snap.
my dearest ashleigh... i would have loved to come to canada with you... but as you can see this week got kind of busy. soon tho for sure ok? *miss you*
basically, if you need me... leave me a message somewhere - *here, facebook or myspace* cuz i randomly check them every few days... or call rubys. im probably there
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[25 May 2006|09:14pm] |
my dearest ashleigh,
thank you for caring about me more than him.
i know it hurts. i hurt too
but today i decided we are both better than him.
who does he think he is to have the ability to kiss two of us in one night.
guess what - i dont wanna be played like that and neither should u
i love u to death
we can go out and meet our own boys :)
love always
sam
ps -
whens canada.... i wanna go!
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[21 May 2006|12:33pm] |
last night was good...
maybe even a step towards being happy.
i love kristy because i was in such a bad mood and without even knowing it, she made me smile... even if she spilled my FULL drink - what a waste of alcohol!!!
im at home for the day. you wanna know something funny... my parents arent here and both of my sisters are sleeping... so dearest mother... what is the point of me coming home???
thats what i thought.
movie night monday. (tomorrow) something i couldnt be more excited for... expecially cuz its at michelles apartment and not my house!
later.
side note:
i just have to say congratulations to donielle and i am so happy for you and excited that you finally deleated your my space!!! lol!
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[20 May 2006|09:49am] |
im dissapointed...
people keep asking me why i dont want to be around everyone and why i would rather be in hidding and anti social. well the thing is - its not that i dont wanna hang out, because clearly we are capable of hanging out without talking about my problems right now... but its just that i dont feel part of this group of friends which i did earlier this year. im sorry to those of you who this effects, but i really need to make myself happy before things with you guys can be ok. and honestly, i dont know how to do that.
and i hate that every time i try to talk to someone, i get yelled at or scolded for the way i am handling things. maybe i just dont know what else to do.
and i hate that when i try to go to my friends, they are exactly the opposite of what i need at the moment. it makes me not want to go to them even more.
i really hate everything going on in my life right now and im sorry if my negativeness is effecting you but i dont know how to change it. so i guess your either along for the ride or i'll find out who my true friends are
party at steves tonight. i guess the reason i got so upset is because i used to be one of the first people he called when things were going on. now im not even on the phone list. if i really wanted to be called, new phone or not, im sure there would have been a way. your not the only person in the world with my phone number you know. even your girlfriend... someone who is also saposed to be one of my best friends, has it... i shouldnt have to hear about it from a friend of mine who isnt even in our inner circle of friends. he doesnt even go to ou for flippin sakes. that sucks. im sorry if i over reacted but its the truth. i guess theres another way to find out who my true friends are
im dissapointed. and im sad.
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[18 May 2006|07:03pm] |
3rd entry for the day...
i guess thats what happens when you sit in front of your computer for 4 hours straight
i guess thats what you call a bad day
it sucks when the friends who bug me so much to talk to them just make the pain worse
so why do i wanna keep talking
thats right... i dont
for once i want a guy who doesnt think hes not good enough.
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[18 May 2006|04:40pm] |
Oh, I thought the world of you.
I thought nothing could go wrong,
But I was wrong. I was wrong.
If you, if you could get by, trying not to lie,
Things wouldn't be so confused and I wouldn't feel so used
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[18 May 2006|12:18pm] |
i guess you never really know who people are inside...
- law and order -
makes ya think huh...
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| kris |
[16 May 2006|10:21am] |
i love you
im sorry i didnt call yesterday, i dont know if that previous entry was about me even. tho i feel it was i still wanna say sorry. i had the worst day ever and i DONT wanna talk about it. simple as that. u didnt call anyone. not even amanda. i picked up a shift at work so i woudlnt have to go home and be around my sisters. i showed up late to movie night, stayed for 5 minutes and peaced out of my own house. then when i came back and everyone was still there, i found it neccissary to take my third shower for the day, making it about a half hour long. im not happy. if you read last nights entry - youll understand. im sorry i cant talk to you right now. its not because its you, but because i cant talk to anyone. trust me, i just dont know what to say. all i keep saying is im sad. and i realized that this whole time ive been lying to myself telling everyone that jordan is just some guy but it will never work out. the truth is, i could see myself falling in **** with him and that is scary. ive never loved another guy. and plus, if that happens, if its true, what about ben? what about everything i know... in this case, everything i know is gone and that is scary. im soo sorry i havent been around because i love you so much and i miss you way way way more than you know. girls night soon ok? but i dont wanna be the downer. i dont wanna be the reason everyone else has a bad day - therefore - i feel the need to get my life back on track before i come back out into social events. i need to keep working - expecially since michelle moves out this week and my rent is now more. i need to concentrate on school - expecially because this is the hardest class ive ever taken and im already behind. i need to catch up with my friends = mostly you, and i miss my friends from home. but untill those other things are done, i just havent had time. its not that my friends arent as important, its just that right now, they cant be my first priority...
a good friend told me not long ago that this summer is a test of all of the new friends we have made through the year. the ones you still talk to and the ones you stay close too - those are your true friends... well im here to tell you just because i havent been there doesnt mean i am not that friend for you. things have been really hard lately tho and i just dont know how to fix them. but do you realize that the first and only person i told when jordan and i broke up was you - i text you. not amanda, not kristen... you. i needed to tell one person who i knew would call and who i knew i could talk to and it was you. i hope that stands for somtheing.
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[15 May 2006|08:51pm] |
hermit life here i come...
so basically i dont see why i shouldnt join a convent or become a hermit. i need to be working. i need to be concentrating on school. instead - i was spending my every minute with you. what a waste of time that turned out to be
i spent all day walking around with somewhat of a black stare.
people in class knew something was wrong
people at work knew something was wrong
im torn between breaking down in tears and punching a wall. im so sad but im so mad at myself i cant decided which is worst. i cant decide what i feel and that i think, is the worst feeling of all. im so sad tho - i really like him. but now, im just mad = mad mostly at myself, because i let my guard down and i let myself think, just for a split second, that you could replace ben - and that maybe, he wasnt the guy for me and my life wasnt meant to be the way ive always expected it to be. the only reason im still so caught up on ben is because no one has come around yet to prove they can do better. of course - im mad at you too, for the recent events which have happened over the past week - beginning around thursday thru last night. but mostly, im just mad at myself. and i am soooo mad. but mad doesnt mean cry - mad just means upset = mad means my head wont stop yelling at me. mad means not being able to concentrate. sad is crying, but the mad part of me wont let me cry = so instead, ive wondered thru the day aimlessly. with a blank stare like you wouldnt believe. all you have to do is look at me. my eyes are glazed over like i am ready to cry, but i dont. i wont. i just feel lost.
i needed to get that out. i needed some sort of a rant or a rave or an emotional outburst.
im not sure what parts of it are important
all i know is that i dont know a thing
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[14 May 2006|10:04pm] |
i've been dumped
:(
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| in the kitchen on the floor |
[09 May 2006|08:13pm] |
right now i hate everybody
i cant believe all this shit is happening. i am so sick of sorority shit
drama - come on people - its summer
GET OVER IT
michelle is moving out
i am now way more in debt than i was 2 hours ago
life is sucky
and this is unfair
can i just say my life got harder today and im not sure im ready for it
i am not ready to be this much of an adult
or have quite this many responsibilities...
i have enough going on
and seriously - wasnt my problems with mom enough for the week
aparently not
needed a few more things to go wrong
im in a really pissy moood right now
i hate this so much
i am so sick of everything
im becoming a hermit
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| You make me wanna LALA |
[04 May 2006|10:14am] |
um... so its been awhile
i really dont have much to say except dont worry i havent disapeared from the face of the earth
my daily schedule includes babysitting, class, work, break, more work, homework sleep
then i start it all over again
oh how i love summer
side thought - statistics is a bitch
things are going good most of the time.
things get hard on certain days
things with jordan make me happy.
things with ben make me scared
ben IS coming home
and i miss him.
but atleast for now - im happy
thats it for now.
sam
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[27 Apr 2006|12:56am] |
I love kristen majeske.
i love that i have friends so close...
when you cry, i cry
definitly amanda too of course.
but kristen. . .
i swear i love you so much
i want you to be happy
thats my post for the day
side note:
im really starting to like him.
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[24 Apr 2006|07:41pm] |
4 days.
friday is the 28th.
holy hell where did that come from
friday is the 28th
i move out on friday
holy hell
*shock*
my parents and my sisters came home last night
it was maybe 2.3 seconds of her walking in the door until i got yelled at
i hate it there so much
i cant wait for the next 3 days to pass by.
friday is going to be both the saddest and happiest day ever
well - not sad.
scary, yea... not sad.
happy - for sure
last night was long.
missed work
had a good afternoon nap :)
hung out with jordan
went to dinner *taco bell* with jordan, steve and donielle
helped donielle move out of the dorms
went home
i cant believe last night held a 4 hour meeting for a certain group of people.
i cant believe this all really happened.
its not fair
these boys deserve better.
thats all i can really say
now if i can just get through the next 3 days.
tuesday, wednesday and thursday
friday is the day
i cant wait
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| so you had a bad month... |
[23 Apr 2006|10:21am] |
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my parents come home today. i have so much to clean
i cant believe our first year is done (well, it will be tomorrow after my last exam!) really - its been the hardest year of my life. not the hardest thing in my life, but the hardest year. (the hardest thing ive ever had to do was say goodbye to ben) its really hard for me to try and say goodbye to my home. i know i will be fine, probably, even better off... considering we all know im never really happy here. but its so hard to change, in such a big way.
even harder was hearing this:
i dont really miss our group anyway
i cant believe u can look me in the eye and tell me you dont miss me and expect me to not be hurt. i cant believe you arent more concerned with the person im becoming and the changes ive gone through. you really do know me. you really have been my best friend for almost 4 years. and it really has been hard to go through this year without you. but your home, were together, were talking about everything... and you can sit here and tell me how you like the way things have changed and your ok with not having me and the rest of our friends around. OUCH. im really really hurt. and even more so - im so sad. because unlike your happiness - i miss the fuck out of you.
that is for jeremy. and it makes me wanna cry
we really have all grown up so much this year...
i figured out why this year was so hard for me, and for a lot of us.
things have been so different
this isnt high school anymore, that i realize but while we were all adapting to this new life of ours, we were growing up and changing and coming into our own personalities. the problem is, we made friends early in the year, then as we continued to grow and change, those friends we had met, thought that they knew us already and things got hard. people got hurt, drama was involved, friends were lost. the thing is, a lot of the reasons people got hurt and what not was because they expected more out of their friends. but how can you expect something out of someone you dont really know yet. i dont even know who i am... so how can you.
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[20 Apr 2006|01:02pm] |
sometimes i wonder how anyone can be so emotional
do you ever have those days where the slightest things can make you cry
cleaning out my room
packing up what consists of my entire life
as much as i seem to hate it here
im not sure im ready to go
i know this is the beginning of a whole new world for me
and its gonna be good, i swear it
but im so sad
im so scared
and i really cant stop crying
i havent stopped all day
and i cant believe how hard this is
this week, having everyone at my house was amazing. i love living alone and being able to just have people here all the time. expecially because some of my friends came over. girls i havent seen in so long but know more about me than anyone in the world. It was amazing to reconnect with them but i feel like ive lost such a big part of me without them around all the time like we used to be. ashley and gwen were here. it was so amazing to see them. they know things about me, about my past, and about my life that no one by school will ever know or fully understand and its so hard to not have that anymore. thank god for erika. of course i have her and she knows more about me than anyone. kevin is around too. and i love him. i miss steph. shes leaving soon but already she has disapeared so its not like its gonna be differnt with her gone and i hate that. jeremy too. i miss him more than life itself. i am so scared that moving out, and moving away, is going to mean loosing the few friends around here i have left.
i cant believe i finished my first year. kinda shaky. but i did it. my goals for improvement next year are to raise my grades, and my overall gpa. this year brought a lot of new friends and im so glad for that. but now, now that i feel established and settled into this new life (even tho its all gonna be different as i move out in 2 weeks) i feel like i know who my friends are and i know where i stand and people know me and i am settled into this change of life. I dont know what i would do without amanda (of course u are first) and kristy (who i will always love to death) and kristen (because sometimes you are the only reason i am sane) and even tho i say those are the only 3 people i trust, thats not true. there are others, but without those 3, i wouldnt have made it around enough to get to know those others. Donielle has kind of come out of no where the last month but i dont know where i would be without her either. i cant believe how much ive changed and how much ive learned from everything and everyone this year.
lets talk about boys.
i cant believe ben is still gone. its been so long. its getting closer to our 3 year anniverary tho and as that grows near it makes me miss him so much. even with all the hurt and fighting and struggles, he was the best 2 1/2 years of my life. but ill come back to him.
joe taught me a lot about myself and he helped me to feel comfertable here at school and within myself. he also introduced me to a group of friends (erich and rex mostly) who i dont think i would be ok without. through all the heartbreak - being that he was my first ever besides ben - he became a lot to me, and i dont regret a minute of it.
theres more - but those are important
i miss ben. calling him a few weeks ago was the best thing ive done for myself in a long time. i would give anything most days for him to just hold on to me and tell me things are going to be ok. i dont know how i made it through without him this year. he went from being my boyfriend, my best friend and my everything to being someone who i hated and who hated me and that was soooo hard. now, its so good just to talk to him when i get to. but i would give anything for him to be home.
im still crying.
i have to be done.
my yesterdays are all boxed up and neatly put away
Is this really how its saposed to be?
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[19 Apr 2006|03:57pm] |
you wanted that list of select few people i trust right now:
my one and only kristy
majeske
and amanda
if your not on the list... well. oh well.
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